The Telltale Signs of a Toxic Cofounder Relationship

How to know if your business relationship is doomed, according to decades of psychological research.

Co-founder relationships are unique. They come in many different forms, each with distinctive strengths and stressors.

Some founders meet through mutual respect and a desire to design the next product that no-one can live without. Others are long-term friends with shared interests and complementary skills wanting to build a service that doesn’t yet exist. And others are relatives with long-standing histories and family pressures to live up to.

But regardless of how you met and what you’re trying to build, you’re wedded to this person through the ups and downs of an uncertain and ever-evolving economic outlook.

You need trust, teamwork, and excellent communication to overcome the obstacles headed your way.

Unfortunately, most founders feel unable to prioritize the time needed to improve their relationship. With so many hours dedicated to the business, founders often lack the mental and emotional resources to directly address the mounting stress radiating from the imbalance in their most important relationship.

Some may have the desire to streamline communication but aren’t sure how to have uncomfortable conversations. They don’t want to rock the boat during a critical juncture.

Others feel unable to rationalize the financial investment. They don’t want to justify coaching as an operational expense to their investors, or they are bootstrapped and cashflow positive but stingy, or they’re in a pinch and worried that using personal assets is a losing formula.

More concerning, some founders may not think it’s important to discuss their feelings with one another. They may make the assumption that business doesn’t involve feelings. And that any issues with one another are about the other person’s underperformance instead of their mutual problematic communication patterns.

But it doesn’t matter

It doesn’t matter why you’re not prioritizing improving your communication — you don’t think emotions have a place in business, you can’t justify the expense, you don’t know how to start, or you won’t make time— the end result is that it doesn’t get addressed. And you both continue suffering.

With so much negative energy tied up in this relationship, your teamwork is impaired. Your decision-making strategies are flawed. And each of those components impacts your bottom line.

But even in that state of ongoing discomfort, how do you know if your relationship is beyond repair?

Giving up on your relationship too early has significant financial consequences. Staying in a toxic relationship does too.

So, where do you draw the line?

Psychologists have spent decades researching these questions

In the world of couples therapy, there are two doctors internationally recognized as pioneering the research on couples — discovering how they work effectively and what contributes to disfunction.

Doctors John and Julie Gottman have spent the last forty years researching couples and are able to predict whether couples divorce with over 90% accuracy, which is beyond impressive given the complexity of human relationships.

Their research in this area directly impacts co-founders, as both marriages and strategic partnerships are long-term relationships that are tested through major life changes and shared goals.

Each requires teamwork, collaboration, and mutual decision-making. They are both demanding, asking you to navigate conflicts and determine what you will and will not sacrifice for the wellbeing of the relationship. And both require work to deepen and maintain.

One key to predicting whether your cofounder marriage will last is the presence of what Gottman and Gottman have termed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

These four indicators of the relative dysfunction in your relationship come from 12 longitudinal studies with over 3,000 couples, one of which lasted over 20 years.

The Gottman research team found that the presence of the four horsemen predicted early divorce, on average, 5.6 years after the wedding. That means, if most of these are present in your relationship, you’re in trouble.

The telltale signs of a toxic relationship

1. Criticism

Criticism is different than voicing a complaint or providing a critique.

Both critiques and complaints focus on a specific issue, whereas criticism is an ad hominem attack on a person’s character.

It’s the difference between saying, “I was frustrated with the way you spoke to our product team today,” and “Come on man! You can’t say stuff like that, it’s selfish and short-sighted.”

2. Defensiveness

We’ve all felt defensive, especially when feeling criticized.

It shows up when someone asks an innocent question, “Hey, did you get to that email I sent you?” And you feel unjustly accused, like they are criticizing your time management, for example.

You may respond with something like, “No, I didn’t get to it because I’ve been busy working our deck, refining our pitch, and thinking about how to position us to investors. Why didn’t you just handle it?”

That response shifts the blame to the person asking the question. It makes the assumption that the question shouldn’t have been asked, that it’s their fault, not my fault.

This way of responding increases frustration and contributes to greater dysfunction.

3. Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

It means that instead of merely criticizing the other person, the resentment has built and escalated to a point where you attempt to shame the other person.

This involves things like name-calling, ridicule, sarcasm, mocking, and scoffing at someone. It means that you want them to feel despised and worthless.

An example might be, “I can’t believe you didn’t take lead with that client issue. That’s ridiculous!” A sigh and eye-roll continue the attack, “You’re pathetic. And I know, I know, you just have sooo much going on right now.”

The air is thick with sarcasm, anger, and judgment.

Contempt damages trust and builds inequality in relationships.

4. Stonewalling

This is usually a response to contempt.

It involves shutting down, turning a cold shoulder, or walking away during an argument. This is difficult to change, as the person disconnecting from the conflict is doing so due to intense physiological arousal. It’s part of the fight, flight, or freeze response.

At this point, continuing conversations will be counterproductive.

Greater safety needs to be established in order to re-regulate the alarm systems sounding in the body and to rebuild trust.

If the horsemen start appearing, there’s still hope

You can connect with a cofounder psychologist to correct several of these communication patterns before they get worse.

Research suggests that divorce is not often related to one event. It’s typically a series of escalating conflicts that erode trust in one another and the belief that connection can be restored:

“Divorce is an ongoing couple and familial process that increases relational conflict and emotional instability and inevitably involves the dissolution of the partnered relationship and original family that once existed.” — Wagner & Diamond, 2016

As such, there are multiple opportunities to intervene and correct course.

Research suggests that some individuals may seek intervention prior to developing significant problems in their relationships, after conflicts have escalated, when contemplating separation, during the separation process, or after separating to enhance post-separation adjustment.

Additionally, outcome research for couple’s therapy demonstrates that it can improve relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and general wellbeing.

The same may be true of effective cofounder coaching

Addressing these dynamics may increase your ratio of positive to negative interactions, which is important, as Gottman reported that stable marriages have five positive interactions to one negative, whereas unstable have .8 to one.

You can also learn how to navigate recurring arguments, as Gottman discovered that 69% of disagreements in relationships are about unsolvable, perpetual conflicts.

But if all four of these horsemen are present on a consistent basis, it means that you may benefit from separating. While separating can be an overwhelming and challenging process, it may be best for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Getting on the same page with your partner is important, even if it means agreeing that this arrangement is no longer working.

Hope it doesn’t get to that point

Prioritize time to review and discuss your communication patterns with your cofounder. Make the time, energy, and financial investment in this primary relationship.

Doing so will not only reduce stress and improve performance, it’ll have a positive impact on your entire organization.