How To Start a Company With Your Spouse And Save Your Marriage

Building a business together — when done correctly — can create closeness rather than resentment.

Navigating the stress of entrepreneurship takes a toll on the cofounder partnership.

Research shows that 65 percent of startups fail due to interpersonal issues between the founders. A startling statistic, to be sure.

But what if you’re married to your cofounder?

Then, if business is not going well, it impacts your marriage. And if your marriage is not going well, it affects your business.

Though married individuals may wish that their company and their relationship are separate, the interdependence of these two facets means that for your business to thrive, your marriage must too. And vice versa — if you want a healthy, stable marriage, your business arrangement must support each individual’s continued personal development.

The American Psychological Association estimates that about 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

Taking these two statistics together suggests that starting a company with your spouse can pose a substantial risk:

Increasing business-related stress may amplify cofounder strain, threatening both the business and your relationship.

On the other hand, most married individuals who enter business together may possess greater levels of communication and shared interests than other couples, which may prove to be a protective factor against divorce. It’s possible that choosing to spend more time together working towards a mutual goal could increase rather than decrease cohesion, teamwork, and support.

Either way, due to the risks involved and the tricky interrelationship between their personal and professional lives, cofounder couples benefit from dedicating time and energy into improving their communication skills, as doing so positively impacts both their business and personal relationship.

Here are 10 ways to improve your communication, teamwork, and marriage while building a company with your spouse:

1. Don’t keep score — the game is rigged

When you start keeping an imaginary score in your head, this transaction-based processing has one purpose: To defend yourself by attacking the other person.

This defensive posturing leads to frustration and resentment because the game is rigged in your favor — you see what you want to see. And each person who plays this game has the same victorious result because they too are the center of their own subjectivity.

Your past experiences and family relationships teach you “what counts” and what does not count in this game. Therefore, each person has their own metrics and rules. No one can beat your game and you can’t beat theirs.

When you try to keep score, you both lose.

2. Don’t avoid conflict — make space for intentional conversations

When you’re married and business partners, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance.

No one wants to have consistent arguments and disagreements. Doing so leads to anxiety and fears about the stability of your marriage.

But when you fail to address personal and professional conflict with your life and business partner, it can contribute to resentment. And that resentment builds quickly when you’re in near-constant contact with your spouse.

Instead of falling into that trap, create time and space to provide feedback. Review how things are going “in the office” and at home. Share how the other person’s behaviors impact your feelings and be receptive to how you’re affecting theirs.

Being intentional about checking in allows you to show up as your best self in both domains and make tweaks in your behaviors so that you can re-align with one another and improve your teamwork.

3. Fight fair and maintain respect

Let’s not avoid the obvious: You will experience conflict. All partnerships do.

It’s how you handle conflict that determines the outcome.

Long-term, learning how to navigate disagreements in a healthy and respectful manner will have a positive impact on your marriage.

When you argue, don’t engage in low-blows. Don’t bring up past issues, stay focused on the present. Don’t attack their person, focus on behaviors. And to the best of your ability, don’t say things that you will regret.

These behaviors are toxic and erode the foundation of trust needed to maintain the strain of your cofounder relationship.

Focus on maintaining respect for the other person. Professionally, this means acknowledging their competence — why you chose to partner with them in the first place. Personally, the lesson is similar. Use kind, respectful language to express your frustrations. Treat them like an adult and don’t belittle them.

Putting energy and effort into fairness and respect during tense moments will lead to better outcomes for your business and marriage.

4. Be intentional about repairing after conflict

Following an argument, focus on repair.

Engage in activities that bring you closer to your spouse. These can range from active activities, such as going for a walk, cuddling, or cooking, to passive, like watching television, reading together, or cleaning.

Remember, you don’t have to apologize for what you said if you don’t think you’re at fault, but you should acknowledge the way your tone, phrasing, or feedback may have made the other person feel.

Conveying empathy and reconnecting after an argument can go a long way towards repairing this important relationship.

5. Practice conveying gratitude and appreciation

Focus on the positives.

Reflect on all that your partner does well, and share that acknowledgement with them on a regular basis. This will train your brain to build trust and theirs to feel greater acknowledgement.

6. State your needs rather than criticism

This mature manner of communicating is often challenging.

It requires that you a) are aware of your emotional needs and can b) convey those needs in a way that do not shame, guilt, or manipulate your partner.

A brief example.

Unhelpful: “You pissed me off when you said that I didn’t tell the client the right thing. You’re wrong and I’m sick of you telling me what to do when you’ve never done sales before. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

This is criticism, name-calling, and a shit-storm waiting to happen. This form of communication is aggressive, ad hominem, and will elicit defensiveness or shutting down in your partner.

Helpful: “I felt hurt when you said that I did the wrong thing with that client. I need to feel supported in this role, and would appreciate it if you could provide feedback in a way that helps me feel encouraged.”

This frame focuses on your feelings and has a both a clear need and ask. This will result in a more effective interaction.

7. Clarify work roles, goals, communication, etc.

Each couple must decide what roles, goals and communication style works best for them.

There is no one-size-fits-all model for all cofounder pairings.

Some married individuals want to separate their styles of communication from the workplace to their home life. And that can work well if you’re both clear on the vision of what changes and what doesn’t.

Empathy needs to be present in both situations. But much of the tone, rate, and focus of conversations may change between home and work life.

Others feel like trying to change ways of relating feels too robotic and inauthentic.

Regardless of where you and your spouse fall on this formal to informal continuum, identify which style you prefer. Have discussions about what you each expect in your roles, your goals for the company, and how you want to speak with one another during work hours.

8. Continue scheduling activities for your marriage

Your marriage is an investment.

Put money in the bank by engaging in activities that you both enjoy. Continuing this commitment keeps the relationship fresh and affection alive.

That way, when you need to make a withdrawal in the form of a disagreement, there’s plenty in the bank to keep you afloat.

9. Prioritize taking breaks from each other and the business

You need breaks from each other and the business.

Though you’ll never fully detach in the same way you did prior to starting your company, forcing yourself to take time away will greatly benefit you and your marriage.

Stepping back helps you zoom out and regain perspective. It gives you time to re-connect with yourself. And it reduces dependent dynamics that might otherwise reduce business efficiency.

10. Schedule time to discuss work — don’t let it take over

Boundaries often need to be shifted when your business and marriage are intertwined.

Without adding structure, both individuals may speak about business around the clock, which can be exhausting and rob your marriage of other important ways to connect.

Don’t let that be your life.

Though your work and life are interconnected, prioritize some separation. It’ll keep you sane and your marriage safe.

Marital relationships are complicated. Building a business with your loved one adds another dimension that brings with it additional stressors that can threaten the foundation of your partnership.

But it doesn’t have to.

Optimizing your communication impacts every aspect of your relationship — both the personal and professional components improve.

Use the list above to guide important discussions and contact a cofounder psychologist to prioritize maintaining this most important relationship.