12 Surprising Strategies To Streamline Cofounder Communication
How to improve decision-making and reach purposeful alignment, according to a cofounder psychologist.
It’s normal for co-founders to disagree and for disagreements to escalate during times of tension. It may even be normal for disagreements to become tense and develop into arguments in moments of transition. But that doesn’t make it productive.
Spending time and emotional energy ruminating on issues with your partner deplete valuable resources that could be better spent on your company. Every time you’re thinking about issues with your partner, you’re not engaging in a proactive way to solve it.
At best, you’re strategizing what to do next.
At worst, you’re trying to solve an emotional problem through intellect, which only leads you down endless thought loops that leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and stuck without a viable solution.
The overwhelming majority of issues in any partnership are unsolvable
Researchers found that 69% of arguments in married couples are about personal tendencies and characteristics that are fundamentally unsolvable differences between two people.
Further, 16% escalate into “gridlock” issues where each person is unwilling to change and not able to acknowledge the other person’s perspective.
When you sit back and consider these variables — recurrent thoughts about the issues in your relationship, consistent disagreements, escalating conflicts, and resentment over unsolvable differences — you have a recipe for poor decision-making.
Poor decision-making impacts the entire company
It reduces the efficiency and agility of your teams. It makes leadership meetings less enjoyable. And the underlying tension between you impacts the emotional climate of each employee.
So, what can you do to address these inefficiencies in communication?
As a depth-oriented cofounder psychologist, I took recommendations from my client notes and years as a couples therapist to make the list below.
Here are 12 strategies to improve your communication
1. Slow down!
The first recommendation I give most co-founders is to slow down.
Often, the pace at which successful founders work is remarkable. They tend to talk fast and take shortcuts when communicating. Unfortunately, this emphasis on speed may come at the expense of deeply understanding one another.
Learning how to deliberately slow down, which helps ensure that you’re on the same page, is a skill that needs to be developed.
2. Focus on using “I statements” rather than “you statements”
Criticism in any relationship is toxic because it contributes to defensiveness. Research shows that an antidote to criticismis using “I statements.”
Starting sentences with “I feel X” helps your partner listen more accurately than if you start the sentence with “You XYZ.” It makes them less guarded and more receptive to your message.
3. Don’t interpret the other person’s psychology — share an observation
Here’s an example of an observation and question: “I’ve observed that you’re showing up later than usual to our meetings. What’s been getting in the way?”
This is non-judgmental, open-ended, and starts a conversation that invites the other person to share more about their experience.
Here’s an interpretation: “You keep showing up late to our 8am because you’re unmotivated.”
Even if the statement is true, the way you said it contributes to defensiveness and agitation in the other person. You also run the risk of being wrong and contributing to your partner feeling misunderstood.
4. Practice sharing gratitude and appreciation
Research shows that exercising gratitude can enhance wellbeing. Sharing your appreciation for another person adds to positive interactions and counteracts contempt, or attacking the other person with the intent to hurt.
In other words, sharing your positive feelings for your partner builds and buffers you from the impact of negative interactions.
5. Acknowledge the other person’s perspective and check for accuracy
Slowing down helps you focus on the other person to make sure they feel heard and understood. Repeating back the key feelings that your partner shared and then asking if you’ve heard accurately clarifies misunderstandings and is an antidote to defensiveness.
An easy way to do this is to say, “I heard you say that you felt X. Is that right or is there something you’d like to add?” Taking this a step further, you may offer some validation, such as, “That makes a lot of sense, I would feel the same way in that position.”
6. Take a break (and re-visit the conversation at a later point)
Taking a break is a great way to calm the central nervous system, which becomes activated in moments of disagreement. This improved self-regulation helps de-escalate tense conversations and improves each of your abilities to understand one another accurately.
This strategy is most effective when you spell out the length of your break and the intention to revisit the conversation: “I’m feeling frustrated and want to take a break so I can hear you better. Let’s revisit this in 30.”
7. Identify and take ownership of any defensiveness you feel
Telling your partner that you’re feeling defensive improves ownership over your emotional reaction.
It is a cue to the other person that slowing down may be helpful and to modify the way they’re talking to become more supportive and less critical.
8. Reflect on how you’re talking, not just what you’re talking about
Founders often get lost on the details of a conversation and lose track of how their emotional responses are changing the way they are communicating — faster rate of speech, elevated pressure, frustrated vocal tone — which leads to unintended outcomes.
Learning how to focus on process rather than content is a skill that helps you modify how you’re communicating for greater effectiveness.
9. Address when past interactions influence present conversations
Going through the headaches of entrepreneurship increases the likelihood that you will have intense disagreements with momentary poor outcomes. This will lead to worries about future issues.
When those worries detract from your ability to engage and trust in the present moment, they need to be acknowledged rather than avoided.
10. Extend the most generous interpretation to your partner’s behavior
Research shows that positive emotion can promote better big picture thinking and may help couples move beyond small, minor grievances.
Interpreting behavior is natural. So instead of trying to “not judge” your partner’s actions, push yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt. Doing so adds to more mutual positivity.
11. Schedule meetings for emotional check-ins
Some of my most efficient cofounders have discovered that having an additional meeting each day or week to review how they are communicating and feeling with one another helps them avoid resentment and blow-ups.
That way, feelings don’t build over time — they’re discussed as they happen.
12. Stop trying to control the other person’s behavior (it’s pushing them away)
You can’t control someone else’s behavior. And trying to will push them away.
When you tell someone what to do, it’s not in either of your best interests. It establishes a hierarchy that puts you in the dominant position and breeds dependency that will ultimately lead to mutual resentment.
These 12 strategies improve decision-making
Since most arguments in your partnership are about unsolvable differences, it’s important to learn how to handle those disagreements in a healthier and more proactive manner.
Researchers Kauffman and Silberman (2009) have an excellent perspective on the ways negative cycles damage relationships:
“Couples often get entangled in a cycle of negativity that is difficult to disrupt. In accordance with the negativity bias, individuals ruminate on negative aspects of their relationships, while devoting little attention to the positive. Partners’ past mistakes loom large, while memories of joy and caring are often obscured.”
Therefore, learning how to communicate more effectively will not only break the cycle of negativity bias, it will also lead to more moments of mutual appreciation.
This change in focus improves how you’re talking to one another and will lead to better decisions for your entire organization.