8 Cofounder Conflict Myths That Quietly Sabotage Startups

What founders get wrong—and how to build partnerships that last

Most startup advice focuses on product, market, and execution. But ask anyone who’s been through it, and they’ll tell you the truth: the most fragile part of a startup is not the code—it’s the cofounder relationship.

We tend to romanticize founding teams. The late nights. The shared dream. The sync so deep you can finish each other’s sentences. But beneath the surface, many of these partnerships are quietly unraveling—held together by momentum, anxiety, and mutual avoidance.

Cofounder conflict isn’t rare. It’s the rule. And the consequences are real. The now-iconic claim that 65% of high-growth startups fail due to founder conflict comes from Noam Wasserman’s extensive research. But few know the full story behind that number.

Wasserman’s figure is based in part on a 1989 study by Gorman and Sahlman, who surveyed 49 venture capitalists about 96 portfolio companies at risk of failure. Of those 96 companies, a staggering 91 had problems within the management team. More tellingly, 61 ranked team issues among their top three reasons for failure. That’s 63.5%—which Wasserman rounded to 65%.

Since then, he’s expanded that work with a dataset of over 10,000 startup founders, highlighting just how vulnerable early-stage teams are to relational breakdown.

And yet, despite this awareness, the same myths continue to circulate—misleading founders, masking real issues, and ultimately sinking companies that might otherwise thrive.

It’s time to name them. Let’s dismantle eight of the most common myths I encounter in my work with founding teams.

Myth 1: “Cofounder conflict isn’t a big deal.”

Some founders treat emotional tension like a bad cold—annoying, but ultimately survivable. In my experience, it’s more like untreated high blood pressure: invisible until it’s not, and potentially catastrophic when ignored.

The real danger of conflict isn’t the argument—it’s the silence that follows. When founders stop bringing things up, when they start walking on eggshells, or when conversations get edited in real time for emotional safety, you’re already losing psychological safety. And once trust erodes, even small disagreements feel existential.

Reflection: Where are you downplaying tension instead of addressing it?

Myth 2: “If we fix the business issues, the relationship will improve.”

On nearly every first call, I hear a version of this: “We’re just misaligned on product strategy.” What they’re really saying is, “It’s safer to talk about strategy than admit we’re not communicating well.”

Business issues are often a smokescreen. Underneath misalignment usually lies something messier: miscommunication, unmet expectations, or unspoken resentment.

From a systems perspective, surface-level disagreement is often a proxy for relational breakdown. The solution isn’t in better roadmaps—it’s in better conversations.

Insight: Tactical misalignment is usually the symptom, not the cause.

Myth 3: “One of us is the problem.”

Founders often come into coaching convinced that their cofounder is the issue. “If she’d just be more transparent…” “If he were less controlling…”

This narrative of blame feels intuitive. It’s also almost always wrong. What’s actually playing out is a cycle—one founder withdraws, the other pursues. One micromanages, the other rebels. These are relational dynamics, not personal defects.

In narrative therapy, we call this externalizing the problem. The conflict is the issue—not the person.

Try this: Ask, “How do we co-create this pattern?”

Myth 4: “A restructure will solve everything.”

This one’s a classic. Founders assume that if they just shift roles, adjust equity, or bring in a third party, everything will reset. But without addressing the emotional core, these moves are cosmetic.

In family systems theory, this is triangulation—bringing in a third person to diffuse dyadic tension. It may provide temporary relief, but it doesn't resolve the root issue. Eventually, the new hire becomes another node in the same dysfunctional pattern.

Warning: Structural changes can mask relational pain. Don’t confuse the two.

Myth 5: “Venting helps—it’s how I process.”

Venting to a partner, board member, or team can feel cathartic in the moment. But over time, it corrodes trust and reinforces helplessness. I’ve seen spouses become pseudo-cofounders, employees begin to pick sides, and boards quietly lose faith in the founding team.

There’s a difference between reflection and triangulation. The former leads to clarity. The latter leads to confusion.

Takeaway: Find a neutral third party—a coach, therapist, or peer—not someone entangled in the system.

Myth 6: “Once we grow, things will settle down.”

Growth solves some problems. But it magnifies unresolved ones.

As startups scale, roles shift. Some founders outpace others. Imposter syndrome spikes. Power imbalances widen. And because momentum feels sacred, many avoid hard conversations in fear of “breaking the magic.”

But pressure doesn’t make misalignment disappear. It intensifies it.

Real talk: Scaling stress requires deeper emotional skill, not less.

Myth 7: “Conflict means something’s wrong.”

Not true. Conflict is inevitable—and necessary. The healthiest partnerships I’ve seen aren’t the ones without conflict. They’re the ones that repair quickly. They know how to name tension, process disagreement, and return to trust.

Think of conflict as friction. Without it, there’s no movement. But with too much uncontained heat, things burn.

The goal isn’t peace. It’s resilience.

Reframe: Conflict is information. What is it telling you?

Myth 8: “We should be able to solve this fast.”

There’s no shortcut through relational work. You can’t hack trust. It’s built slowly, through small, repeated acts of repair.

I’ve worked with teams who’ve raised $100M and still struggle to have honest 1:1s. No deck, no sprint, no EQ app will fix that.

The work of cofounder coaching is exactly that: work. It’s unglamorous, sometimes tedious, but transformative. And it doesn’t happen in a day.

Truth: If it took years to build a dynamic, it won’t change overnight.

Closing Thoughts

Startups are emotional crucibles. They test identity, values, and relationships. Founders aren’t just building companies—they’re building selves. And the cofounder relationship is often the most intense, high-stakes relationship a person will have outside their family.

You don’t need to fear conflict. But you do need to understand it.

If you’re reading this and recognizing your team in any of these myths, know that you’re not alone. And more importantly, it’s not too late.

Change begins with awareness. And sometimes, a little help.